Updates from October, 2004 Toggle Comment Threads | Keyboard Shortcuts

  • Ted Mann 3:59 pm on October 29, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

    Hair Watch – Statistical Dead Heat 

    Back in July, I posted the results of a poll from Wahl Clipper Corp., which showed that Americans preferred George Bush’s hair to John Kerry’s. Aside from being an utterly retarded consensus, what was truly shocking about the poll was the margin of victory for Bush — 51% to 30%.

    Thankfully, the good ol’ Wahl Clipper Corp. didn’t stop with the May poll–didn’t call the election for Bush right then and there–and has subsequently done two more surveys. In September, after the Republican convention, Bush’s lead had dwindled to ten points — 47% to 37%. And now, as reported in an Oct. 25 press release, the candidates are neck and neck. Though Kerry is still trailing 40% to 41%, it’s clear that he’s got the momentum in the hairstakes.

    Alright, now a word from our sponsor:
    “Whether you’re running for president or just running around, Wahl has innovative, quality products that make grooming easy.”

  • Ted Mann 5:25 pm on August 10, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

    Hair Watch: Polling the Heartland 

    From an article by Ken Hughes, a retired businessman, on Useless-Knowledge.com:

    Our local Park is always a place to find interesting people. I approached two elderly gentlemen. I put the question of whom they would vote come November. The first said he was voting for Kerry/Edwards. You need men with hair, you take a man with hair and he’s intelligent. The other man spoke up. He said, “Harry you got hair and your dumb as a post.” Now you take a bald man, he has nothing to worry about, people accept them as they are, warts and all. They aren’t pretty, they’re smart. The first man spoke up, how would you know Tom, you’re not very smart or pretty. I decided not to bother counting these two. I left them as I found them arguing over much to do about nothing.

  • Ted Mann 1:46 pm on August 9, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

    Hair Watch: From Russia with Rogaine 

    From the NY Daily News:

    “[Modern] Presidents who are bald or have bad hair have always got in through proxy rather than by election. Who’s been elected who hasn’t had a great head of hair? … The only exception is Russia, where it seems the candidate with the less hair usually wins.”

    So says Dr. Gary Hitzig, a hair transplant specialist in New York City, who says he can predict election results based on haircuts. I think Gabe put it more succinctly: “In Soviet Russia, hair elect you!”

    Also, in the same article, some downright spooky makeover suggestions from Fabian Lliguin, a stylist from the Upper East Side.

  • Ted Mann 11:02 am on July 30, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

    Hair Watch: The Mane Event 

    Wonderful as John Kerry’s acceptance speech was last night, the real star of the Democratic National Convention was perched atop his African mask of a face. The hair was, in a word, resplendent. As far as I could tell, Kerry followed the advice of the Washington barbers and trimmed the height of his coif. And boy, did it work! In the way his salt-and-pepper do held form, yet didn’t appear stiff or crunchy from hairspray, I felt America becoming more and more magnanimous with each rhetorical flourish. Even with sweat glistening on his face (he really should consider endoscopic thoracic sympathectomy surgery, by the way), Kerry still appeared radiant. His supporters seemed to bask in the reflected glow, and I could swear that for a second Michael Moore looked five or six pounds lighter. Much of the credit for all this must go to Olive Benson and Connie Sullivan, the two high-end stylists hired by the DNC to oversee convention hair care.

    Clearly, with them backstage, help is on the way. (Or wait, was it “hope is on the way”? Oh, I can’t keep the speeches straight anymore. Let’s just all agree that, above all, hair is on the way!)

    From an article in the Boston Globe, which came out right before the convention:

    Sullivan and Benson relate that they’re ladies of a certain age; they won’t give specifics. But they have more than 60 years of hairstyling experience between them. Both are accustomed to exacting clients with particular tastes. …

    “We will comb, gel, mousse, anything to calm that texture down, whatever it takes,” said Benson, who was voted ”Hairdresser Most Likely To Succeed” at her Cambridge high school.

    The two women were chosen for the convention job by a New York publicist who the convention committee tapped to handle all hair and makeup needs for podium speakers. …

    Avowed Democrats who will donate their time, the two women came close before to being stylists to the Democratic stars. …

    Both Kerry and Edwards have grappled with their appearances and how much to respond to critics’ arrows. Kerry has clipped his hair slightly shorter in recent months, but dismisses allegations that he underwent Botox treatment to eliminate wrinkles. Edwards has resisted change for the most part, keeping his hair in a far side-part, one that some say makes him look boyish.

    Sullivan and Benson have their own ideas for the men.

    ”They both have fabulous hair,” Sullivan said, before allowing that Kerry’s thick salt-and-pepper hair could be served by ”a certain amount of product, to hold it.”

    Benson said both men’s hair could stand to be neater and fuller.

    ”There is better,” she said. ”And then there is the best.”

    Bravo, ladies. You truly are best that America has to offer. Bravo, I say!

  • Ted Mann 4:57 pm on July 27, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

    Hair Watch: Makeover Madness 

    From the Washington Times:

    Image is everything

    “Nobody asked us, but we felt it was our civic duty to help these [presidential] candidates look their best,” explains Pirooz Sarshar, co-founder of the Grooming Lounge barbershop in downtown Washington.

    “I guarantee the ticket that follows our advice will be sitting pretty in the White House this time next year,” he says, echoing this column’s observations that more attention is being paid to the candidates’ looks than their stance on issues.

    Without further ado, the Grooming Lounge’s tips:

    •President Bush: Cut your hair closer to eliminate excess puffiness and flyaways, which make you look less refined.

    •Vice President Dick Cheney: Shave your head or crop your hair ultra close to give you a younger, stronger look.

    •Sen. John Kerry: Bring down the height of your hair to create a closely cropped style more in line with your face shape. And trim your eyebrows.

    •Sen. John Edwards: Add some texture to your hair to eliminate “helmet head” and make you seem less boyish and more sophisticated.

    • Gwynne 1:28 pm on July 28, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      Why is City of God sitting atop your DVD player and why aren’t you watching it, now? It’s one of the best films of the year. Watch it.

      P.S. There is no “open forum” on TurkeyMonkey. Obviously this post has nothing to do with John Kerry’s hair, but where else can I post this? Please advise.

      P.P.S. Speaking of John Kerry’s hair, did you hear Obama’s speech last night? I want to vote for him for President. How can put his name on the ticket by November?

    • Gwynne 1:29 pm on July 28, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      Another usage comment…I have a typo in my above post. Is there a way for me to correct it or am I now forever on the record as being an idiot?

    • Ted 2:53 pm on July 28, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      Hey Gwynne,
      1. City of God is sitting atop my DVD player — has been for over two weeks — because I’m a big ol’ chicken when it comes to subtitles, pure and simple.

      2. We here at TurkeyMonkey don’t believe in open forums. They are the devil’s work.

      3. I heard part of Obama’s speech on the news, and yes, indeed, he’s quite the charmer. But he also has a completely lackluster head of hair. Kind of a sloppy military buzz-cut. And his smile was a little amorphous, too. As eager as the Democratic party is to make this guy into the Next Big Thing! I’m always a little skeptical of the future of politicians who are market-tested and launched at conventions. Remember JC Watts?

      4. I think I’ve corrected the mistake in your post. The only way that I know of to fiddle with comments is by going into the Movable Type editing screen. I’ll send you a password and login so that you can monkey to your heart’s content.

      And by the way, you already put yourself on the record as an idot when you slandered the South Beach Diet book.

    • Gabe 10:59 am on July 29, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      Gwynne, your typing is so careless! I can’t believe you misspelled Osama!

  • Ted Mann 12:10 am on July 19, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

    Hair Watch: NPR Weighs In 

    I don’t know how I missed this one! On July 13’s Talk of the Nation, there was a fabulous episode called “The Politics of Hair,” with guest Peter Sagal, the follicly-challenged host of the NPR quiz show Wait, Wait… Don’t Tell Me. Most of the discussion was from the perspective of the bald voter—how he must weigh the Sophie’s choice of having to vote for one full head of hair or another. Seeing as how the chance of people actually listening to the RealAudio of the episode is slim, I’ll recap the high points in the extended entry, below. Among the issues tackled: How did Ike get elected with his barren scalp? Is Cheney the bald man’s candidate? The fake baldness of Jesse Ventura. And the real tragedy of Jack Ryan.
    (More …)

  • Ted Mann 3:46 pm on July 18, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

    Hair Watch: The Wussy Part 

    One of the best articles about hair politics I’ve read was a New Yorker Talk of the Town piece, “Al Gore’s Hair Problem,” which came out shortly after the 2000 election. In short, the article claimed that men who part their hair on the right are seen as wussies—”right-brain, guy-sensitive, talkative, and soft.” A left sided part, on the other hand, makes a man appear “left-brain, guy-forceful, logical, and gruff.” In other words, “Right part, zero; left part, hero.” Therefore, the article posits, Gore lost the election because he parts his hair on the right, while Bush is a strong, alfa-male left-sider. Similarly, Clinton, a lefty, was widely popular, and Carter, a righty while in office, only began to rehabilitate his legacy when switched his part to the left in 1979.

    So, what does this mean for the current election? Kerry and Bush both part on the left—a wash. Cheney also favors the left, in as much as he can part that tiny tuft of gray in the back. Edwards, alas, parts on the right—which may negate whatever advantage he has over Cue Ball Cheney. One possible solution, as mentioned in the article, is a True Mirror, which produces an actual, not a flipped, image of anyone who looks into it. If only these mirrors didn’t cost $200 a pop, I’d buy one for Edwards myself.

    Come to think of it, I could use one, too. This wussy right-side part that I’ve been sportin’ for 20-odd years has always seemed so boss (in my misleading, un-true mirrors). But clearly, upon re-reading this story, I realize how much it’s been holding me back.

    Click “continue reading” to see the New Yorker story, below.
    (More …)

    • Matt 11:45 am on July 22, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      There’s a true mirror in the lobby of the theater where The Royal We is performing these days, and it is really disconcerting. You look in the mirror and think, “hey, that freak looks almost exactly like me!”

  • Ted Mann 4:50 pm on July 14, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

    Hair Watch: Day 7 

    Plugging for Plugs: In past posts, I’ve made reference to John Kerry’s heroic prosecution of sketchy hair-plug surgeons in the early 1980s, which I learned about in a fascinating New Yorker profile of the man. I’ve also posted about my disdain for medical malpractice lawyers. So, just to set the record straight, the kinds of cases that Kerry tried, where he represented 16 men whose heads were implanted with carpet fibers, are the kinds of malpractice suits that are a-OK in my book.

    And to further clarify, I don’t mean this as an indictment of hair plugs in general. There was a fascinating article in the New York Times recently about how far hair plugs have come since the Kerry crusade. Ignoring the $10 per follicle fee, these new transplant procedures are, quite frankly, life saving. All you need is a thick tuft that can be “harvested” from the back of your head and moved, hair by hair, to the front. Vice President Cheney might even have enough remaining slivers of silver to qualify.

    On a personal note, in my more pathetic moments I’ve considered this procedure. In college, I even went into the Bosley Clinic in Center City for a free consult, and then ran the other way when they mentioned the price tag: $8,000. But after reading the Times story, I have newfound hope for two alternatives. A new Merck drug called dutasteride promises to be an extra strength Propecia (God help my poor prostate gland). And the good ‘ol University of Pa. is perfecting a procedure to isolate follicular stem cells and implant them into bald craniums (yet another reason to vote for Kerry: He’s pro-stem cell research).

    Note: This will be the last daily installment of “Hair Watch.” Mainly because it’s devolved to the point where I’m talking about my own hair instead of the candidates’. But also because the political hair news appears to have dried up. Don’t worry, though. I’ll still check in periodically, with all the grooming gossip that’s fit to post. And please, if you catch any good hair stories, send ’em my way (ted@turkeymonkey.com)

  • Ted Mann 8:45 pm on July 13, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

    Hair Watch: Day 6 

    The Cue-Ball Factor: With Cheney’s chrome-dome quickly becoming a liability, there’ve been numerous stories this week about the possibility of replacing him on the GOP ticket with either Powell or McCain. George Stephanopoulos even quoted a poll on GMA that said Bush would get a fifteen-point bump if he made the Cheney-Powell switcharoo. Of course, there’s little to no chance of that happening. Still, just imagine the effect that Powell could have if he not only joined the ticket, but also ditched that grizzled-old-soldier buzz cut for a spiffy new ‘fro. Combine that with his fluency in Yiddish and he just might become the most formidable politician since Harrison Ford in Air Force One.

    Cannonball CheneyPimpin' Powell

  • Ted Mann 12:18 pm on July 12, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

    Hair Watch: Day 5 

    A great weekend for hair on the campaign trail! Let’s get to it …

    “Hair to the Chief!” First up, a probing piece from Time magazine: “Which party really has the ‘better hair’? And do coifs matter in elections?” A nice little recap of how hair has impacted American electoral politics throughout the ages. Perhaps the most shocking factoid in the article is “a recent poll by the Wahl Clipper Corp. showed that Americans actually prefer George Bush’s hair to Kerry’s (51% to 30%).”

    Stylists for All! According to Newsweek, the Edwards clan, like the Kerrys, is lucky enough to have a hair stylist on call. In describing the day her husband was chosen for the Democratic ticket, Elizabeth Edwards said, “I had a hair appointment, and the hair guy was so nice to come and do my hair at my house, so while I have color on I run upstairs and throw underwear in a bag.”

    Dean to Nader: “You and your shaggy hair are loose cannons!” Over the weekend, there was a testy showdown between Ralph Nader and Howard Dean, probably the two biggest agitators of the Democratic Party. Dean called on Nader to withdraw from the race, arguing that his current presidential bid is disingenuous, and Nader responded by saying, “You were an insurgent who is now adopting the role of being a detergent of the dirty linen of the Democratic Party.” Nader went on to add, “You know, we’re being told by the Democrats to look at hair, John Kerry’s hair and John Edwards’ hair,” Nader said. “Let’s get back to corporate power in America.”

    As much as we at Hair Watch appreciate Mr. Nader’s point (hell, we voted for the guy last time), we can’t help but wonder: Why not look at hair and corporate power at the same time? Where’s the fun in picking just one?

    And as for the unnamed conservative New Hampshire newspaper, which printed an obnoxious editorial calling male vanity, metrosexual politicians, and conscious hair-care “creepy” — well, Bernadette Malone, Hair Watch doesn’t need your opinions or your ass face!

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