This is No Game

I’ve decided to change my motto for 2006. Thanks to Jack Handy and his new Shouts & Murmurs column in the New Yorker, I have a new one: “This is no game.”

This is no game. You might think this is a game, but, trust me, this is no game.

This is not something where rock beats scissors or paper covers rock or rock wraps itself up in paper and gives itself as a present to scissors. This isn’t anything like that. Or where paper types something on itself and sues scissors.

This isn’t something where you yell “Bingo!” and then it turns out you don’t have bingo after all, and what are the rules again? This isn’t that, my friend.

This isn’t something where you roll the dice and move your battleship around a board and land on a hotel and act like your battleship is having sex with the hotel.

This isn’t tiddlywinks, where you flip your tiddly over another player’s tiddly and an old man winks at you because he thought it was a good move. This isn’t that at all.

This isn’t something where you sink a birdie or hit a badminton birdie or do anything at all with birdies. Look, just forget birdies, O.K.?

I realize this isn’t exactly paper typing something on itself and suing sissors. Still, I hope cutting and pasting partial text to a blog is more or less the same thing. Come on, Handy, come and sue me for copyright infringement. Mmm, that’d be peachy.

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