Updates from August, 2004 Toggle Comment Threads | Keyboard Shortcuts

  • Ted Mann 10:54 pm on August 18, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

    Mental Malpractice 

    One of the things they don’t tell you when you start dating a med student is that, shortly into third year, chronic hypochondria sets in. Not for the student, though. It’s always the significant other that gets hit hardest. For me, it started with a case of smallpox on my upper thigh last summer. Then in October I was 100 percent convinced I’d come down with Type 2 diabetes. It got so bad that I underwent a day-long battery of glucose tolerance testing, during which a caffeinated nurse extracted blood every hour, on the hour, and I came away with a bunch of heroin-addict like bruises (a constellation where Nurse Ratchet had hastily stuck me, like an uncooperative Voodoo doll).

    The most recent self-diagnosis, two days ago, was for cancer of the tongue. A tickle in the back of my throat was the give-away, and after trying to scratch it, unsuccessfully, with both a bottle cap and toothbrush, it seemed necessary for further inspection. I bummed one of the many tongue depressors that have, of late, colonized our coffee table drawers. When I pressed down, there was nothing there. So I pressed harder and, Whala!, little white bumps appeared. “Ana!” I screamed. “I’m not imaging things. There’s definitely something here. You need to look again!”

    She walked into the bathroom with an icy, Kevorkian-like skepticism. “Give it here,” she said, extending her hand for the saliva-coated depressor. As she looked in, I held a Mini Maglite to help illuminate the tumors in question. “Farther back, I mumbled, farther back.” Eventually she found what I was directing her for and suddenly her attitude changed. “Oh, honey. Oh, no. This doesn’t look good,” she said. “You’ve got circumvallate papillae.”

    “What?” I yelped. “What’s that?” She explained that they were hideous white growths–growths that function as taste buds. Cancerous taste buds? I asked. Nope, she explained, just your run of the mill, factory installed taste buds. “Taste buds?” I said. “Come on. No way. Are you looking at the right thing?” She assured me that she was, and then, to officially debunk my self-diagnosis, she showed me her own circumvallate papillae (aka vallate papillae). A quick Google search revealed that, indeed, everyone has these cancerous looking taste buds at the back of their tongue. Who knew?

    Okay, enough time devoted to this silly story. I’ve got a dermatitis on my leg that’s really in need of my full attention right now. From what Ive heard, it looks an awful lot like cirrhosis.

  • Ted Mann 9:25 pm on August 17, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

    Inscribe My Wedding Ring! 

    Time for a serious poll (for a change). Over the weekend I finally rectified the abortion that was my first wedding band. It turns out that for a little over $100, you can get a ring that doesn’t look like a Home Depot plumbing supply or Cracker Jack toy. Now alls I need to do is figure out how to engrave it. Of course, it wouldn’t be a true wedding-related decision if I weren’t indecisive, or agitated, or procrastinatingactually, dawdling, and second-guessing. What I’m trying to sputter out is that I could use some help picking from the options below.


  • Ted Mann 10:41 pm on August 12, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

    McGreevey Zingers 

    I know there should be honor in McGreevey’s announcement that he’s a homosexual, and dignity in stepping down from office, and no need to poke fun. But some of the headlines I’ve seen are too damn good to avoid posting.

  • Ted Mann 9:56 pm on August 11, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

    We Have an Anthem! 

    At last, TurkeyMonkey has a theme song, “I am the Monkey.” Thanks to Andy Diller for finding this.

    Ma, ma, ma, ma, monkey. Ma, ma, ma, ma, monkey …

  • Ted Mann 5:25 pm on August 10, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

    Hair Watch: Polling the Heartland 

    From an article by Ken Hughes, a retired businessman, on Useless-Knowledge.com:

    Our local Park is always a place to find interesting people. I approached two elderly gentlemen. I put the question of whom they would vote come November. The first said he was voting for Kerry/Edwards. You need men with hair, you take a man with hair and hes intelligent. The other man spoke up. He said, “Harry you got hair and your dumb as a post.” Now you take a bald man, he has nothing to worry about, people accept them as they are, warts and all. They arent pretty, they’re smart. The first man spoke up, how would you know Tom, you’re not very smart or pretty. I decided not to bother counting these two. I left them as I found them arguing over much to do about nothing.

  • Ted Mann 11:43 pm on August 9, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

    Bowlers Paradise 

    Last Friday, while wandering down Chestnut Street on Korey’s final night in Philly, I was struck with my latest million-dollar idea: This city needs a bowling alley! As far as I know, the only half-decent lanes are in Cherry Hill, NJ. What major American city doesn’t have a centrally located bowling alley? It’s a brilliant idea, I tell you. Brilliant!

    So brilliant that, apparently, three other groups are already cashing in on it. After a couple days of picturing myself as an Ed-like alley manager, I got a surprise email from Katie Diller today, telling me that a West Philly storefront next to the Video Library has been rezoned forwhat else?a bowling alley. A search of the Inquirer website revealed that two more alley-lounges are coming soon, one on the 1300 block of Chestnut, and one in Northern Liberties.

    So much for my brilliant business plan. Back to the homemade donut scheme.

  • Ted Mann 4:59 pm on August 9, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

    Seth the GoFares Psycho 

    In my email this afternoon was a cheerful message from US Air:


    At the times and locations listed below, if you are the first person to find Seth, the “GoFares Guy,” and passionately yell I LOVE US AIRWAYS UNBELIEVABLY LOW GOFARES!, you’ll win 4 roundtrip tickets for travel anywhere US Airways flies in the continental U.S.!

    A little gimmicky, yes, but who am I to pass up free airline tickets? Then I kept reading. It’s the second part of the US Air pitch that’s really creepy.


    While he’s in the area, Seth would love to experience some of the famed Philly hospitality and give away some more tickets to three lucky individuals.

    On Wednesday evening, August 11th , between 6:30 and 10:00pm, Seth will accept the invitation of three party or event hosts, pop in to say a few words, possibly sample some food and give a set of four tickets to each of the selected event sponsors. The event could be a pre-planned birthday or anniversary party, a college alumni or after- work get together, or a party you throw specifically in Seth’s honor.

    I can’t fathom why anyone, having looked at Seth, would consider inviting him into their home. Not for 4 round trip tickets– be they domestic, international, or on the Space Shuttle. That hair just isn’t natural!

    • martha 1:35 pm on December 4, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      Pity is the virture of the law, and none but tyrants use it cruelly. martha Conversation should be pleasant without scurrility, witty without affectation, free without indecency, learned without conceitedness, novel without falsehood.

  • Ted Mann 1:46 pm on August 9, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

    Hair Watch: From Russia with Rogaine 

    From the NY Daily News:

    “[Modern] Presidents who are bald or have bad hair have always got in through proxy rather than by election. Who’s been elected who hasn’t had a great head of hair? … The only exception is Russia, where it seems the candidate with the less hair usually wins.”

    So says Dr. Gary Hitzig, a hair transplant specialist in New York City, who says he can predict election results based on haircuts. I think Gabe put it more succinctly: “In Soviet Russia, hair elect you!”

    Also, in the same article, some downright spooky makeover suggestions from Fabian Lliguin, a stylist from the Upper East Side.

  • Ted Mann 3:01 pm on August 8, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

    Cloning Homer 

    Two years ago, Ana and I suffered the tragedy of losing one of our kittens to a mysterious disease. The onset of feline leucopoenia (aka Cat Death, Cat Plague, Cat Typhus) was as sudden as it was swift, and little Homer died no more than two days after his first little kitty cough. The cat doctor told me of his passing at work and I spent most of the City Paper graveyard shift bouncing up and down an emotional roller coaster. The staff writers asked why I kept crying, and not wanting to admit the truth, I blamed it on bad grammar, on my inability to distinguish between “then” and “than,” to understand the different uses of “I” and “me.” The death of a kitten I’d adopted less than a week before, while sad, shouldn’t have sent my tear ducts into overdrive. But it did.

    The mourning period, fortunately, lasted only a week. And I haven’t thought about Homer much since. That is, until last week, when I read about Tabouli and Baba Ganoush, 8-week-old Bengal kittens who are the world’s second and third cat clones. They’re dead ringers for Homer, with the same markings and size as when we adopted him. What’s more, the San Francisco company that created them, Genetic Savings and Clone, is now offering to clone any cat for the price of $50,000. Five customers have already signed up, and hundreds more are paying over $1,000 to preserve their cat’s tissue for future cloning. Alas, poor Homer went the way of the incinerator, so even if I wanted to loot the savings account, it’s not really an option.

    And, just in case any Penn friends are wondering about Maxwell, my ill-fated border collie from college, your worst nightmare is about to come true. Dog cloning is next up on Genetic Savings agenda, and they expect to have a Maxwell puppy sometime in 2005.

  • Ted Mann 11:01 pm on August 5, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

    The Action News Theme 

    An interactive post, courtesy of Matt Johnson.

    Ever since my days at UTV13, Penn’s abominable excuse for a campus TV station, I’ve been in love with “The Action News Theme.” Back then we pirated the music for our evening newscast (basically a collection of highlights from WPVI’s news, which we also pirated and re-edited), and I’ve been humming the upbeat ditty ever since. Turns out the original version, composed by Al Ham, went by the title “Move Closer to Your World” and had some moving lyrics. Matt sent this link to a site that has the original music and all of its iterations. I can’t say for sure which version is the best makeout music, but I’ll let you all be the judge.

    • Kim 1:15 pm on April 29, 2005 Permalink | Reply

      Here is one for you, I was in Syracuse for 2 years, I was so homesick, that I had the great thundering sounds of ActionNews on my answering machine. Including the trademark “The Big story” The big story is that Kim is not home right now…it drove my syracusan acquaintences nuts..now I am back home in South Philly and even have the theme as a ringtone on my cell..if u go to WPVI.com u can download it

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