Kerry Snubs Calhoun

All the recent media hullabaloo about John Kerry picking John Edwards as his running mate is deeply bothersome. I didn’t think anything could be more vexing than learning Kerry spends $1,000 for a haircut, but I was dead wrong. How am I supposed to vote for not one, but two perfectly coifed heads of hair. Why couldn’t the veepstakes have yielded a McCain or a Deana comb-over to balance the ticket? And since when did having the name “John” become a campaigning prerequisite? But the most disappointing thing of all was the Tim Calhoun wasn’t even considered.

Despite all my whining, and the siren-like allure of Ralph Nader (who was eerily funny on The Daily Show last night), I’ll probably suck it up and vote Kerry. I sort of know his daughter, Vanessa, andwell, she was awfully purty and mildly courteous to me in high school. Still, the Dems would lock up my vote, and countless others, if they could at least incorporate a few Calhoun-proposed reforms into the platform. I’ve taken the liberty of swiping transcripts of the last few Tim Calhoun speeches, compiled by a deranged Will Forte groupie, for the DNC’s reference.

October 19, 2002
“I am Tim Calhoun, and I am running for the office of Senator. A lot of people don’t know who Tim Calhoun is. So I’m going to tell you who Tim Calhoun is, and why I think Tim Calhoun should be next senator. I, Tim Calhoun, am… nice, trustworthy, genuine, likes music, dancer, aggressive… I have used a lot of some drugs, and some, not at all. Mainly pot and beer, but a little bit of cocaine. I’m real sorry about the cocaine, but there are times when I feel like partying and staying up real late, and cocaine can really help you do that. I am not married, so my sexual history is not relevent, but if you must know, I have some babies. Mainly by black ladies. But some by white. And a China-baby. I love whales, but they have to go. So I am going to organize a whaling party that will not stop until all whales are dead. America needs another big lake. In conclusion, and in summary, you can’t spell America without Tim Calhoun, and the letters “R,” “E,” and “A.”

January 18, 2003
“I am Tim Calhoun, and I am running for the office of President of America. You’re probably wondering why I, Tim Calhoun, should be next President of America, and that is why I’m going to tell you why I, Tim Calhoun, should be next president of America. I got a lot of great ideas. I propose a little more California, and a little less Mexico. When’s there gonna be a China-person on the Supreme Court? I propose: Never. I say we ask France if they wanna trade the Eiffel Tower for the Grand Canyon, but after they send us the Eiffel Tower, we don’t send them the Grand Canyon. Horsey sex is bad. I wanna make a law against that. Horseys are for riding. Blind people think they’re so cool. I miss dinosaurs. Let’s do somethin’ about that. In conclusion, and in summary, vote for me, Tim Calhoun, and I’ll turn unemployment into a shiny diamond.”

November 8, 2003
“I am Tim Calhoun, and I am running for candidate for President for America. My candidacy is based on honesty, so there are a few things about me you should know. I’ve been in jail. It’s not important how many times, but if you must know… I’d say… one, two, thirty-one times. There are times when I’m not gay at all. But then there are other times I’m so gay it more than makes up for it. Here’s where I stand on the issues: I’m glad that drunk driving is illegal. When I am drunk, I drive like crap. I propose that for scientific testing purposes, we breed a type of midget even smaller than the normal midget. We can call them Shetland Midgets. There’s nothing on this card. In conclusion, and in summary, read my lips: (whispering gibberish). I think that says it all. Vote for me, Tim Calhoun, for Candidate for President for America for goodbye.”