Babbling Babies … and Back on Atkins

We traveled up to Clinton Corners, New York, this last weekend to visit with my rapidly ballooning family. Mainly, though, we jockeying for time with the babies: Owen, Winifred, and Francis. Their parents were there, too, but very little adult conversation was made. Mostly, we spent our time trying to get Winifred and Francis to repeat their first word. No, not “Ma-ma” or “Da-da.” Much to the bewilderment of Doug and Tara, the twins’ first word was “kit-ty.” Too damn cute!

Baby Owen, my sister’s pride and joy, was slightly more alert and active than the last time we saw him, but he was still focused solely on feeding. He’s put on a healthy amount of weight and now appears to have as many chins as his uncle Ted. Also, on another positive note, almost all of his back hair has fallen out. Unfortunately, it’s also started falling out up top, too, and his male pattern baldness is starting to look eerily familiar.

As we all know, it’s cute for a baby to be chubby and balding. But sad and troubling for someone who’s going to be married in three months. Baby = cherub. Groom-to-be = Jabba the Hut. Seeing this picture made me shudder and realize there was only one solution: Go back on Atkins. Buy a few packages of frozen burgers, find two-for-one deals on bacon, get my lazy ass disciplined into a morning workout, and double up on the cologne. Time to get svelte!


There’s one, and only one, reason I kept this picture: Motivation.


Baby Winifred’s been practicing her Pope wave.


She’s laughing here, but make no mistake about it: If you submerge yourself in the pool and then swim up to Baby Francis in the shallow end, you won’t be getting any of her adorable giggles. Just a blood-curdling scream and a day’s worth of the cold shoulder.

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