The TurkeyMonkey Endorsement:Kiehl’s Solid Grooming Aid

As a balding man–one who desperately tries to staunch the loss with Propecia, but is teetering perilously close to a Trump combover–I’ve got a dire need for miracle hair-care products. So far, I’ve tried a bunch. There have been mousses, spritzes, and gels. I’ve tried using stiff hairspray, waiting for it to dry, and then cracking up the perfectly coifed locks. Sadly, none of the usual drug store products have worked.

Seduced by an ad in Esquire, a few years back, I ordered some Toppik, a product that claimed to be “an amazing new complex of tiny, microfiber “hairs” that perfectly blend with your hair. … Thousands of tiny color matched hair fibers will intertwine with your own hair. Charged with static electricity, they bond so securely that they will stay in place all day and night, in even the strongest wind or hardest rain!” In reality, Toppik was a $40 bottle of dirty blonde talcum powder, which just made my hair really dusty and, when I sweated, gloppy. Shortly after trashing the mail-order hair, my friend Gwynne stepped up and helped dye my hair brown–which, miraculously, did manage conceal a lot of scalp. But a week later my hair turned orange and I became known as the Carrot Top wannabe around the office.

So, as I say, I have a dire need for good hair products. And that is why the first official endorsement goes to–drumroll please–Kiehl’s Solid Grooming Aid. It’s essentially a pomade with a whole bunch of wacky seed oils (Jajoba, Sunflower, Baby Seal) that prevent hair from frizzing. I’ve only been using the stuff for a few days now, but there’s no questioning that it’s brought me, or at least my hair, a few steps closer to the happy place that John Kerry inhabits. The grooming aid appears to give my microscopically thin hair more volume, and it’s keeping the wispy alfalfa sprouts to a minimum. Now, if only Kiehl’s could figure out a way to charge it with static electricity …