Updates from June, 2004 Toggle Comment Threads | Keyboard Shortcuts

  • Ted Mann 11:19 am on June 30, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

    Endorsement: Anti-Icky-Poo 

    Fuzzy, my 1-year-old cat, resembles a dog more and more each day. Not a German Shepherd or Labrador, of course. But maybe a toy Bichon-Frize. He licks me when I arrive home from work; he learned to fetch at six months; and his intruder-alert bark is steadily improving (though it hasn’t yet graduated from a yip). Oh, and recently he’s begun peeing on the furniture. Or as the vet likes to put it, “having urinary malfunctions.” After a month of failed potty-training schemes and amonia scented air, we finally found a solution. It arrived via UPS, in the form of a gallon jug of engineered bacteria, marketed under the catchy brand name Anti-Icky-Poo.
    (More …)

     
    • Scooby Doo 12:25 am on July 2, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      Cats suck.

    • Richard 7:10 pm on August 4, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      The Cat Doctor Store (and Dogs Too) is one of the very few online stores where you can buy Anti-Icky-Poo, its accessories and other pet related products. http://www.catdoctor.com We’d love to be of service. On the web since 1995.

    • aip 3:52 pm on December 7, 2006 Permalink | Reply

      Anti-Icky-Poo is the best on the market. You’ll find the best prices at http://www.anti-icky-poo.net, no hidden shipping charges you pay only what fedex charges us. We don’t hike the price and claim free shipping. It’s also available on eBay and at http://www.petstink.com.
      Get rid of pet odor now with anti-icky-poo.

  • Ted Mann 10:32 am on June 29, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

    Babbling Babies … and Back on Atkins 

    We traveled up to Clinton Corners, New York, this last weekend to visit with my rapidly ballooning family. Mainly, though, we jockeying for time with the babies: Owen, Winifred, and Francis. Their parents were there, too, but very little adult conversation was made. Mostly, we spent our time trying to get Winifred and Francis to repeat their first word. No, not “Ma-ma” or “Da-da.” Much to the bewilderment of Doug and Tara, the twins’ first word was “kit-ty.” Too damn cute!

    Baby Owen, my sister’s pride and joy, was slightly more alert and active than the last time we saw him, but he was still focused solely on feeding. He’s put on a healthy amount of weight and now appears to have as many chins as his uncle Ted. Also, on another positive note, almost all of his back hair has fallen out. Unfortunately, it’s also started falling out up top, too, and his male pattern baldness is starting to look eerily familiar.

    As we all know, it’s cute for a baby to be chubby and balding. But sad and troubling for someone who’s going to be married in three months. Baby = cherub. Groom-to-be = Jabba the Hut. Seeing this picture made me shudder and realize there was only one solution: Go back on Atkins. Buy a few packages of frozen burgers, find two-for-one deals on bacon, get my lazy ass disciplined into a morning workout, and double up on the cologne. Time to get svelte!


    There’s one, and only one, reason I kept this picture: Motivation.


    Baby Winifred’s been practicing her Pope wave.


    She’s laughing here, but make no mistake about it: If you submerge yourself in the pool and then swim up to Baby Francis in the shallow end, you won’t be getting any of her adorable giggles. Just a blood-curdling scream and a day’s worth of the cold shoulder.

     
    • Korey 11:30 pm on June 29, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      Ted, I want to learn how to play golf. If you can incorporate some trips to the driving range into your fitness plans, let me know.

    • yaoi 4:04 am on September 25, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      Great site, was just reading and doing some work when I found this page

  • Ted Mann 11:10 pm on June 28, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

    Stars! We Have Stars! 

    After much trial and error, I finally got my Netlix history (a little ways down, in the sidebar) to show my recent rental ratingsthose happy-making stars beneath each of the movie titles. The ones in bright 3-D yellow are the movies that I’ve returned and rated; the ones in red (or dark yellow) are just the Netflix-user averages (because I was too lazy to rate ’em myself). Why, you might ask, would I kill an evening trying to set this up? Above all, it’s because I don’t want any of you to suffer through “Chasing Liberty,” as I did last night.

    Many thanks to Oscar Hills for creating this Netflix rating plugin and, in so doing, indulging in one of my dorkiest requests. Also, a monster obrigado to Andy Diller for walking me through the set-up process, and putting up with a few hours worth of bitching. If there’s such a thing as blog envy, it certainly took hold when Andy’s rating stars appeared and all I got was a broken link.

     
    • Michael Moore 11:28 pm on June 28, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      Your time would be better spent watching my movie.

    • andy 8:23 am on June 29, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      Aw, come on Moore and Mann: Chasing Liberty wasn’t that bad. I had to watch it, and everyone loves Roman Holiday, so what’s wrong with an updated, hip version?

      It could have happened that way….

    • andy 8:25 am on June 29, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      oh, also, if you are into teenage daughter-of-the-president-gone-wild films, you don’t want to miss Spartan, buy none other than Davy Mamet.

      http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0360009/

      Flixit.

    • Ana 9:50 am on June 29, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      Your time would be better spent booking a trolley … or planning the honeymoon … or designing the wedding program … or making me dinner. Just about anything else would be preferable.

  • Ted Mann 9:53 am on June 25, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

    A Date with the Shocker 

    The best email I’ve received all year arrived yesterday, courtesy of David Pizzi, my former assistant at Grey Worldwide. Dave’s message pointed me to http://www.marryblaire.com, where Blaire Allison, a 26-year-old Jerseyite who specializes in Bachelorette Party planning, has appealed to the web masses to help find her a husband by December 2004. Dave, as it turns out, isn’t just some dirty lurker on the girl’s site; he’s the “Man of the Week,” the latest date candidate offered up to her site’s readers for evaluation. Here’s an excerpt from the Dave page: “So – what do we think? I think he’s totally adorable! I just love a man in a suit!”

    Oh yeah, and I also dig a man who can administer the shocker!
    (More …)

     
    • andy 2:00 pm on June 25, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      oh oh didn’t seem to go so well:

      “instead I was being askedmore intimate questions about my life than I felt comfortable sharing on a first date…andhe was freely sharing deep feelings of his. That’s uncomfortable.”

      Bad Dave. Should have just gone right to the shocker

    • Ted 2:18 pm on June 25, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      UP

      The good news: Pizzi and Allison are still on the market. So, all you singletons out there, now’s your chance! Kori and Gabe, if you play your cards right, you too could be the next “Man of the Week.” And ladies, cross your fingers, you might be the next lucky shocker recipient.

    • Ted 2:39 pm on June 25, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      Sorry to mimic Andy’s post. We must’ve been writing at the same time.

      NB: For all you Portugal posters out there (i.e. Figo, Crisiano, Korey), the Postuguese word for “shocker” is “shustu.” I learned this from Ana’s cousin–God bless his soul–right before he offered to take me to a peep show in Lisbon.

    • andy shustu 8:28 pm on June 25, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      I beat you by 18 min! You are a slow commenter.

      🙂

    • Gabe 2:38 pm on July 6, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      A few comments:

      1. Underappreciated quote from Blaire: “Best of luck Dave! Although we ended awkwardly and uncomfortably I wish you all the best.” Awesome.

      2. Too bad for me: Blaire’s looking only for Jewish guys. Korey could pass for one way easier than I could.

      3. I think the correct pronunciation is more along the lines of “sushtu” although all of my memories of those weeks are drowned in some combination of vinho verde and that really strong Portuguese coffee.

      4. I couldn’t go out with a girl named Blaire anyway. It sounds like the name of one of John Kerry’s estates.

    • Taz 10:36 pm on July 13, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      Yeah, but Dave never called Blaire back. Why do I get the feeling that what bothered Blaire wasn’t Dave’s “openess” but that Dave didn’t allow Blaire to talk about herself enough. Which she clearly loves to do. I can hear it now….”Enough about me, let’s talk about you. What do YOU think about me?” And since I’m baring my claws, I’ll go further. That girl is an averagely attractive woman who posted some highly air brushed photo of herself. And she didn’t even have the stones to post the negative feedback she’s received-check out her guestbook. She wants everyone to think the the public is totally behind her. About 80% of her guestbook entries are hostile/critical/brutal opinions from her “public.”

      Face it…she’s one of the thousands of averagely attractive women who have deluded themsleves into pining for guys out of their league. She’s no Maxim model, but her expectations would make you think she was.

    • Beo 5:46 pm on January 13, 2005 Permalink | Reply

      Is there anything wrong with Montclair State University? Some of us weren’t born with a silver spoon in our mouths, offering the luxury of not dealing with school loans or uptight ivy leaguers.

      Perhaps there is an insecurity issue with Mr. Mann, as his book knowledge may be advanced beyond Mr. Pizzi’s, but social interaction is nearing zero.

      He was able to write this article, so he’s not quite at zero…

  • Ted Mann 10:22 am on June 24, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

    Glory, Glory, Fallujah! 

    There was a great segment by Sarah Vowell on last Satuday’s This America Life about the bizarre evolution of “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.” Who knew that a song we use to mourn the 9/11 victims and rally the troops in the war on terror was originally written to commemorate the first American terrorist?
    (More …)

     
    • Gwynne 10:11 am on June 25, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      I’m so glad you heard this too. I thought this was great! Of course, I could listen to Sarah Vowell talk about anything in her ironic, drowl voice, but this happened to be a really wonderful piece. I too thought the “Hang Jeff Davis” connection was interesting.

      Ahhh may NPR live forever.
      (okay, have I revealed myself to be a big enough dork now?)

    • Ted 2:34 pm on June 25, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      I’m so glad you heard that segment, Gwynne, but even more glad that you’re reading my blog. In the words of Josh Groban, “You lift me up.” I think Ana’s looked at this site all of two times: First, to figure out what on earth I was doing on the computer instead of wedding planning. Second, to see pictures of the handicapped bathroom in the Kalamazoo Holiday Inn (at my request). It’s nice to have the freedom to post about our personal life, without censorship. Even nicer to actually have someone out there reading the posts. High five!

    • andy 12:28 pm on June 26, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      Its sad that the internet is overrun with Julia Ward Howe silly version of the song. Here is one of more more original versions:

      http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/amex/brown/sfeature/song.html

      Documented by PBS.

  • Ted Mann 2:32 pm on June 23, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

     

    I adore grammar books as much as the next hack journalist, but when I read Lynne Truss’s Eats, Shoots & Leaves, something about the book didn’t sit well with me. There were parts I loved, for sure. Like the author’s passionate, and strangely righteous, denunciation of the movie title “Two Weeks Notice” (specifically, the lack of the possessive apostrophe after “Weeks”). And her tone was great, too, as I imagine a mildly sedated David Sedaris might be. But still, like a marble in my Broca’s area, the book’s advice wouldn’t stop rattling around my syntactical subconscious. As much as I tried ignore the warning signs, one thought persisted: This book is full of grammar mistakes!
    (More …)

     
    • Gwynne 10:53 am on June 25, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      I found this book pretty interesting, though I wasn’t aware of the the glaring grammar mistakes. I really liked the history behind the various punctuation rules and markings. I do agree with the New Yorker article, that Truss seems not as interested in the actual rules of punctuation as she does with the people who invented it and those who now abuse it. Having said that, I think Truss does state very early on that “Eats, Shoots and Leaves” is not a how-to.

      I will admit that I finished the book rather more confused than when I started. I have never been an execellent writter and my grammar skills are basic. Unfortunately, now I am aware of my short-comings and Truss’ book hasn’t done much to change that. Now every comma, semi-colon and hyphen I write/type is drowning in a sea of self-doubt and there ain’t a live-saver in sight.

      Feel free to take a red pen to this post!

  • Ted Mann 11:07 pm on June 22, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

    The TurkeyMonkey Endorsement:Kiehl’s Solid Grooming Aid 

    As a balding man–one who desperately tries to staunch the loss with Propecia, but is teetering perilously close to a Trump combover–I’ve got a dire need for miracle hair-care products. So far, I’ve tried a bunch. There have been mousses, spritzes, and gels. I’ve tried using stiff hairspray, waiting for it to dry, and then cracking up the perfectly coifed locks. Sadly, none of the usual drug store products have worked.

    Seduced by an ad in Esquire, a few years back, I ordered some Toppik, a product that claimed to be “an amazing new complex of tiny, microfiber “hairs” that perfectly blend with your hair. … Thousands of tiny color matched hair fibers will intertwine with your own hair. Charged with static electricity, they bond so securely that they will stay in place all day and night, in even the strongest wind or hardest rain!” In reality, Toppik was a $40 bottle of dirty blonde talcum powder, which just made my hair really dusty and, when I sweated, gloppy. Shortly after trashing the mail-order hair, my friend Gwynne stepped up and helped dye my hair brown–which, miraculously, did manage conceal a lot of scalp. But a week later my hair turned orange and I became known as the Carrot Top wannabe around the office.

    So, as I say, I have a dire need for good hair products. And that is why the first official TurkeyMonkey.com endorsement goes to–drumroll please–Kiehl’s Solid Grooming Aid. It’s essentially a pomade with a whole bunch of wacky seed oils (Jajoba, Sunflower, Baby Seal) that prevent hair from frizzing. I’ve only been using the stuff for a few days now, but there’s no questioning that it’s brought me, or at least my hair, a few steps closer to the happy place that John Kerry inhabits. The grooming aid appears to give my microscopically thin hair more volume, and it’s keeping the wispy alfalfa sprouts to a minimum. Now, if only Kiehl’s could figure out a way to charge it with static electricity …

     
  • Ted Mann 6:24 pm on June 21, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

    How to Greet the Portuguese? Insult Them. 

    File this one under “how to interact with my future in-laws,” or maybe “other lessons learned on Ana’s birthday.” On Sunday, we were preparing Ana’s brother’s new deck for Father’s Day barbeque when Ana’s Portuguese aunt and uncle arrived a few minutes early (on time, actually, but we can chalk that faux paux up as a cultural disconnect). I greeted Aldina, Ana’s aunt, with a nice big hug, but she refused to release me until I acquiesed to the ol’ two-cheek kiss (chalk that up to cultural differences, too, I guess).

    “It’s so nice to see you again,” I said, in my most charming, butter-up-the-fam kind of way.
    Response: “Oh, you are really fat.”
    “Excuse me?”
    “You fat. Big belly.”
    “Wha?”
    “Really big belly.”

    Shocked and embarrased, I reached for the nearest blunt instrument. But then I saw Ana in the distance and thought better of thumping my future aunt-in-law. I put down the badmitten racquet. The only thing to do, I concluded, was play her game.

    “Well, at least I’m not as fat as you. And I dress well, too. That’s worth something.”
    “Oh,” she said. “Yes. Sim.”
    (More …)

     
    • Cristiano Ronaldo 1:24 am on June 24, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      Fear not, loyal Turkeymonkey readers & Portuguese football fans…the host nation has advanced to the second round of Euro 2004. Now back to your regularly scheduled blogging.

    • Figo 1:25 am on June 24, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      Cristiano is so ignorant…if he had read the earlier posts he would have seen that Portugal’s advancement was already dutifully mentioned.

    • Ted 3:59 pm on June 24, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      Welcome, Portuguese football fans. Now, I’m assuming you really are from across the pond, and not just Korey acting all goofy-like. So, provided you are the real deal, bom dia. Now that you’re here, could I take a quick poll? If you read this post, can you confirm whether or not “You’re fat” really is a complement, an appropriate way to greet someone in Portugal? Is my fiance just jerkin’ my chain, and, if so, does my future aunt-in-law really deserve that beat-down after all?

    • casino 6:33 am on January 11, 2006 Permalink | Reply

      I am a big fan of Cristiano ronaldo. I hope he stays at Manchester united for life.
      He has still to achieve his full potential but many people forget how young he still is.

  • Ted Mann 1:14 pm on June 21, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

    The Mysterious Case of the Missing Gmail Invites 

    When I heard that Google was offering email accounts with 20 gigabytes of storage space, I nearly gnawed my fingers off in excitement. For months now, I’ve been sick of my Yahoo! account constantly going over its storage limit–usually when someone emails me more than three or four pictures. So, I was like, sign me up, Google! Only problem: You need to be invited to join Gmail by someone who’s willing to part with one of their three precious invites.
    These invites have become a hot commodity, with websites auctioning them off for cash and/or body massages. My tech savvy friend, Andy, was kind enough to send one of his my way. But I never got it. He insisted that he’d sent it to the right Yahoo! address, but it was missing from my Inbox and my bulk file, and the only plausible explanation was that I’d accidentally deleted it. Or did I? As it turns out, there was another culprit. I just read a number of articles about how Yahoo! and Hotmail have been intentionally deleting or rerouting the Gmail invites. Those evil bastards!
    (More …)

     
  • Ted Mann 10:56 pm on June 20, 2004 Permalink | Reply  

    Lessons Learned from Ana’s Birthday Presents 

    We traveled up to NJ this weekend to christen Ana’s 27th year of life and have a nice Father’s Day grill on the Mendes family’s new deck. Other highlights from the weekend: We saw the movie “Saved!” (in which Macaulay Culkin plays a cripple, which alone makes the movie delightful), I beat Petey Piranha on Super Mario Sunshine (a mercenary mission, I should add, that I was issued from the triplets), and Portugal beat Spain in the European Cup to make it to the quarter-finals. However, it was on the quest for Ana’s gifts that I made my most useful (and disturbing) discoveries.
    (More …)

     
    • Matt 10:59 am on June 21, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      You’ve entered dangerous territory, Ted. Next thing you know, you’ll be the new host of “What Not to Wear.”

    • Gwynne 12:11 pm on June 21, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      A Bed for your birthday! Geez, you’ve got to have a word with Matt for me. Last birthday all I got was a CD he’d already listened to and a 10% off coupon for the Outback Steakhouse. Ted Mann, you sure know how to treat a lady.

    • Ted 12:33 pm on June 21, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      Why yes, kind friend, I sure do.

      For the record, Ana likes to point out that the bed was for me, too. Actually, “for us” is what she likes to say. True. But then so is most of the crap we own. I maintain that it was my biting the bullet on the bedframe, and deciding to make a decisive purchase (rather than searching aimlessly for another couple months), that was Ana’s real gift. But I got her a couple CDs and the South Beach Diet book, just to hedge my bets. I think there’s no question that George Michael, “Patience,” was unequivocally “for her.”

    • Gwynne 10:57 am on June 25, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      Any man who buys me the “South Beach Diet” book, is a dead one.

    • Ted 2:49 pm on June 25, 2004 Permalink | Reply

      Any woman who makes me listen to two hours of George Michael deserves it.

c
Compose new post
j
Next post/Next comment
k
Previous post/Previous comment
r
Reply
e
Edit
o
Show/Hide comments
t
Go to top
l
Go to login
h
Show/Hide help
shift + esc
Cancel