In Club Wed We Trust

A year ago, when Ana and I got engaged, I assumed that planning the wedding wouldn’t be that taxing a chore. For starters, we decided to spread out the decision making over the course of one and a half years. Also, wedding planning is mainly the domain of the Wo-Man, and, having a penis, I figured that I’d be stuck with only a couple fool-proof tasks — say, for example, picking a band and getting the rings. Like every other assumption in our blessed relationship, this was dead wrong.

Here it is, six months before the big day — October 9, 2004 — and I’m in as deep, if not deeper, than my lady friend. Who would’ve guessed that one of these friggin’ mixers could take up so much of my free time. Freelancing, which I once considered my chief recreational hobby, has taken a big backseat. Basically, it’s in the trunk. Every day Ana gives me a new task: update our wedding website, order the rings, find a DJ, update Ana’s community profile, etc. It’s becoming clear that if I want to have her as my Sugar Mama, MD, I’m gonna start picking up the duties of the stay-at-home mother. To be fair, she chips in much of the time, but the brutal truth is that just about every fact of wedding planning requires five-plus hours.

Take, for example, registering at Macy’s yesterday. …

Registering at Macy’s … Presumably, this sort of thing should only take a couple hours. I suggested leaving at 9am so that we’d be able to make our picks, get lunch, and be outta there by noon. When 5pm rolled around, and we were still in luggage, I realized that I’d made a grievous mistake. There were still four departments and a pit stop at Crate & Barrel on the agenda.

More disappointing than our whittling away an entire day at a mediocre department store was the disappointing final talley of our registry. We had about 22 items, just barely enough to meet the 20-item cutoff of Macy’s Club Wed. Pretty pathetic for a 10-hour tour of duty. Still, we were thrilled to get all of the assorted discounts and rebates associated with the registry. First there’s the 5% cash back from people who purchase off your registry; then there’s a 10% discount if you buy off it; and another 10% cash back for those purchases, too. They started throwing in 10%-off or 10%-rebate or 10%-cash back coupons for assorted departments — I can’t remember what went with what. The whole experience remided me of buying a car with an American auto maker. The sticker price on our Vibe was a joke (at least compared with the car’s identicle twin, the Toyota Matrix), but if you were willing to scavange for rebates, the car came down about 1/3 in price. Anyway, we got so caught up with the Macy’s three-card-monte that we suckered ourselves into buying a duvet cover — just to see how all the rebates worked. Sure enough, the final receipt said the cover had been discounted from $200 to $60. I only wish our wedding guests could be so lucky. (Gifts, by the way, can be purchased here.)

Maybe we’ll turn the Macy’s cash-back gift cards into wedding souvineers. It would only be fair. Well … naah. Who wants stuff from Macy’s anyway?